Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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