he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
