you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
