pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
