True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
