i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is it penis luge time yet?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
