don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
