i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
