I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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