just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
