i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
