I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
