I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
