I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
