let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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