Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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