After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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