Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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