She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
