um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
