Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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