What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize