Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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