The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Randomize
