I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
