got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
