when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
