i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
