i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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