i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
