There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
