I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
