My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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