Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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