she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is Oprah even human
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
