how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
