I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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