So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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