I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
organizing the empties. That sober.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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