I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Holy sore nipples Batman
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
