tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
