I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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