You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
