I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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