You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
