I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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