I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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