there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
