I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
