I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
