Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
