Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
