ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
