She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
