Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
